Tonight I became so overwhelmed with emotion as I was giving Carrington a bath. I began to reflect on the first time I bathed her when she was discharged from the hospital.
I was looking at this baby who at the time was on oxygen and had to keep circular tape on the sides of her cheek to keep the nose cannula from falling out of her nose.
I remember enjoying bath time because that meant I could take the tape off to wash her face really well and that also meant I could see her face cannula and oxygen free!
I also remember feeling a sense of frustration for so many reasons. One being the inconvenience of everything that was involved in giving her a bath and it being timed because she couldn’t be off her oxygen too long. Secondly knowing that at the end of bath time I had to put the circular tape back on her face.
Every time I would take the tape off I would see the discoloration of her skin and thought my baby is going to have these ugly marks on her face forever! I was so upset.
When Carrington was taken off oxygen I remember being so excited. The excitement was still overshadowed by the discoloration of her skin from the tape. So even though we had come so far at that point, the discoloration was still a sign that our journey still wasn’t over. As a result my excitement would turn into frustration.
Tonight, I felt ashamed. I had a picture in my head of what my pregnancy and what my experience with my first child would be like. I was so focused on my unmet expectations that there were times when I totally missed what God had done in Carrington and what he was currently doing. I began to weep and ask the Lord to forgive my selfish heart and I also began to praise God for what he had done in her.
I then looked down at Carrington and couldn’t even see where the scars once were. God began to speak to me about how beautifully and wonderfully he has made each of us. Despite what we view as beautiful, his beauty is made in a way that can’t be measured by man.
Even if her face remained discolored from the tape that once held her cannula in place, who am I to regard them as undesirable scars? As someone who love Jesus, whose identity is rooted in his love for me, as someone who is Carrington’s mom, it’s my job to share with Carrington how beautiful the Lord views her and how wonderfully He has made her.
I immediately realized how important my role is as her mother. It’s critical that Carrington grows to have a heart for the Lord that sees past one’s physical appearance and recognizes the beauty of Gods creation.
I can’t wait to share with her how beautifully and wonderfully she is made!